“ ...the perception of solo travel has changed, the world of travel has changed, work styles have changed - does it not therefore, make perfect sense that the perception of solo travel in a relationship is changing (or certainly on the verge of changing) and that actually solo travel IS what healthy happy couples do?”

— Jenny Mowbray

Just what I needed, exactly when I needed it!

I believe my initiation to solo travel was the catalyst that helped me transition into my 50’s feeling engaged and with a renewed sense of confidence. I have Jenny Mowbray, author of Solo Travel in a Relationship, to thank for influencing this ongoing journey.

A bit of backstory

At the end of 2021, I was struggling as the world tentatively emerged from the pandemic. I wasn’t able or comfortable to jump on a plane for another 9 months, yet I was eager to scratch my travel itch. For me, travel is strongly related to personal growth and wellbeing and my need for novelty keeps me feeling fresh, challenged, and with purpose. I was searching for something to fill the COVID void.

I repeatedly saw conversations online about women who travelled solo yet I had never considered it for myself. It took me 30 years to see that being in a committed relationship with my husband (who also likes to travel) doesn’t preclude me from travelling alone! My eyes were opened to the benefits for women who travel solo such as a heightened self awareness, increased confidence, and a sense of freedom. A fascination with the idea took root and, inspired by other women, I crafted my own “close-to-home” introduction to both solo travel and long distance walking and completed 4 days on the Vancouver Island Trail.

Shortly after I completed my solo walk, I discovered Jenny’s newly published book. The messages in Solo Travel in a Relationship instantly clicked for me. I thought - THIS is the book any woman in a relationship who is even remotely intrigued by solo travel needs to read! I devoured it and celebrated that it validated every feeling and every question I had before, during, and after my journey. Phew, I’m normal!

I’m thrilled that I have since connected with Jenny. She maintains a flexible portfolio career which gives her ample time to travel. I’ve been following her recent solo jaunts to southern Italy, Malaysia, and Thailand. In addition, Jenny and her partner purchased and renovated a house in Italy - a dream of my own! All of these adventures are shared on her blog - Olives to Orchids.

I peppered her with questions about the book, her thoughts on some of my lingering hangups about solo travel in a relationship, as well as her thoughts on the connection between travel and wellbeing. I loved that for all the questions I had for her - she had some for me. Read her interview with me here!

Interview with Jenny Mowbray, author of Solo Travel in a Relationship

Tracy @travelbugtonic: What compelled you to write Solo Travel in a Relationship?

Jenny @orchids-to-olives: I felt it was a topic that was crying out to be written about. Solo travel can be deeply empowering and transformative, but for many women in relationships it can seem out of bounds and something that only single women do. I felt that this was wrong and passionately wanted to support women in relationships to embark on their own solo journeys.

The thought of travelling solo for the first time can be daunting for anyone, but for women in relationships, sometimes the biggest challenge is actually broaching the topic with their partners, who may not exactly be cheerleading their loved one’s desire to step out into the world without them. It can be unsettling and challenge relationship norms. It can open the door to some tricky conversations relating to ingrained beliefs about what people in relationships do and don’t do and other issues such as jealousy, trust and safety. And yet, one of the beautiful things about embracing solo adventures is that it can actually deepen and revitalise relationships. It can be a gift to relationships. I therefore wanted to write a book that delved into the challenges women in relationships may face and offer practical advice on how to work through those challenges both alone and with partners.

Before I wrote the book, I scoured the internet for information related to travelling solo in a relationship, and whilst more and more articles were appearing discussing the benefits and a few tips on how to go about it, I felt there was a lack of meaty writing about why women in relationships may find it initially difficult to set off on a solo journey and even less good solid practical advice on how to actually go about it. I therefore decided to use my own experience, the lessons I’ve learnt and the mistakes I’ve made as a starting point, together with research and stories of other women in relationships who like to travel solo.

Tracy @travelbugtonic: Was there anything you learned during the research and or writing process that you had felt intuitively and was then externally validated?

Jenny @orchids-to-olives: Yes! As much as I was driven and passionate about writing about this subject, I was constantly having crises of confidence and serious doses of imposter syndrome – who was I to write a book? What did I know about relationships – I’d hardly had a smooth run and I certainly wasn’t a relationship expert! And yet, that initial passion to write was repeatedly validated when I spoke to both men and women about the subject of solo travel, and the challenges I was writing about were exactly what I was hearing again and again.

I’ll give you an example, during a dinner party it came up in conversation that I was writing about this subject. My friend’s lovely husband exclaimed that he would find it difficult to accept his wife travelling solo as it was very unsafe and he’d worry too much. I think this is a common initial reaction, and a very valid one but my question back to him was ‘would he think it was unsafe for his wife to go into the city centre where we live at night, which is known for very high crime rates? He said no, because she wouldn’t veer into areas that were known for crime and she’d prebook a taxi if she was coming home late from a night out. I then went on to point out that given his wife is pretty sensible, didn’t he think that she would research where she was going and ensure that she took the necessary precautions, just like at home? He of course admitted that she would and she also said that she would actually probably be more cautious in a foreign location than at home. We then went on to discuss the many things women can do to stay safe when travelling solo and how fears related to safety are often more to do with the unknown, rather than a real increased risk of crime. This is just one example of many interactions.

Tracy @travelbugtonic: The idea of being selfish was/is a mindset for me to overcome. The questions you pose in your book and accompanying journal prompts such as:

Is it selfish to pursue things that bring you joy?
Is it selfish to pursue things that give you confidence?
Is it selfish to want to bring the best of yourself to all of your relationships?

All great eye-openers. Can you share how feelings of selfishness have influenced yours or other people's solo travel dreams?

Jenny @orchids-to-olives: I think the worry of being selfish is a huge barrier for many women, myself included. It is sadly deeply culturally ingrained that women put others’ needs before their own. Gender studies repeatedly show that girls are raised to not speak up for what they want and to people please. Of course, things are changing, some parents are much more conscious in the messages they relay to their children which is great; but for many women, certainly of my generation putting others’ happiness before your own is entrenched in our psyche and it can be hard to break out of this mould and do something purely for yourself, especially something as big as solo travel.

On a personal level, I talk about my first marriage in the book and how I squashed down my desire to travel solo because travel wasn’t important to my husband. I repeatedly told myself that I was being selfish, that my desires were frivolous and unimportant in order to try and be a good wife. In the end, of course, I felt repressed, very unhappy and anxious. My needs weren’t being met and as a result I was not only a misery to myself, but everyone else around me. Therefore, I realised that in order to be happy and to be a good partner, friend and parent I needed to follow what my heart and soul were telling me and follow my passions to travel solo.

When you’re in a relationship, a successful solo trip begins and ends with good communication.

Jenny Mowbray

Tracy @travelbugtonic: The topic is complex and I think you did a brilliant job of highlighting the complexity without being a relationships counsellor! I've been in my relationship for over 30 years and our relationship actually began with a backpacking trip through Greece together. We remain each other's primary travel companions.

Any thoughts for a newbie solo traveller whose partner is already their travelling companion?

Jenny @orchids-to-olives: You’re right it’s a very complex topic and all relationships are different, and therefore it would be impossible to cover all relationship dynamics within the book. Some partners, like yours, may love travelling themselves and others, like mine, may not be too fussed – and there’s everything else in between! I think that whatever your relationship dynamic is, it all comes down to communication and this is something I stress over and over in the book. When you’re in a relationship, a successful solo trip begins and ends with good communication. It’s about sitting down and having those difficult conversations to discuss what feels right and what doesn’t feel right.

We mentioned selfishness in the previous question, and whilst I don’t think wanting to travel solo is selfish, I would regard it selfish to simply decide on a solo trip, book it and off you go. Being in a relationship means you need to take into account your loved one’s feelings and get to a point where you both feel happy with the scenario.

Jenny’s Communication Activity Suggestion

I’m a big fan of getting out the pens and paper and scribbling down thoughts and feelings. It can be a great way to get the conversation going and delve into areas that you may not otherwise discuss; hence why I provide lots of journal prompts in the book.

Draw three columns labelled ‘I’m comfortable with…’, ‘I’m not comfortable with…’ and ‘together’.

You can list for example, the destinations you both want to go to – this might be very long! And then go through destinations your partner is comfortable with you visiting without him, and those he is not comfortable with. Perhaps you could also have a ‘compromise’ column too, for example perhaps you both want to go to Spain, but you have different desires in terms of activities or places you want to visit within Spain, so why not do mini solo trips within a main holiday. This approach of boundary setting can also be used for challenges such as safety and trust.

Tracy @travelbugtonic: You recently shared on social media about taking a short solo trip specifically to boost your wellbeing. You wrote: "I feel the need for an adventure, to move, mix things up a bit...so to take advantage of having the time alone I'm going to do something which always always grounds me and brings me back to myself - a solo journey. Tomorrow, I'll be getting a train down south...let's see where I end up!"

Now that it’s done, can you share how and why the trip was “beautifully restorative and energizing”?

Jenny @orchids-to-olives:Yes, I guess the reason for this trip was a little different for me. I had found myself alone for a month, very unexpectedly, after my partner and I had just moved all our belongings to our house in Italy. I had been really looking forward to spending time with him as we’d spent very little quality time together in the previous six months due to a very hectic work period. When it came about that he needed to return to the UK for a month, I felt disappointed and really quite sad, and I couldn’t seem to pull myself out of it.

I think I decided on that short trip for two reasons, firstly it enabled me to take back control of a situation that I’d not wanted to be in and secondly, I knew from previous experience that by moving and being somewhere different, my energy and perspective would shift. So, I threw together a few clothes in a small rucksac and headed to southern Italy. I wouldn’t like to say solo travel is a cure-all for depression and negative thinking, at the end of the day you always take yourself with you wherever you go, but I do find that by taking yourself out of familiar surroundings, with familiar cues it opens up thinking and creates the emotional space to see things differently. On that trip, I felt the shift in my emotions almost as soon as I stepped on the train and when I arrived in the port city of Bari, and was greeted by new sights and sounds I could feel my excitement returning and with it increased energy. By the time I arrived in Matera (an amazing place which everyone should visit!) I felt like a different person. I was still sorely missing my partner, but on the whole I felt restored back to my normal self!

Buy the book

Solo Travel in a Relationship: Break Through Barriers to Your Solo Journey

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Travel Bug Tonic is helping me to keep travel front and centre in my life these days and I continue to learn new things about myself. I know that one reason that travel is so compelling is because it is intricately tied to my identity and well being. I choose to travel (literally) out of my comfort zone keep discovering who I am and what makes me tick. I feel grateful that I have discovered that one way to do this is through solo travel. I’m still on the journey.

Intrigued by solo travel? You'll love the book: Solo Travel in a Relationship